Picture this: You’re at a speed dating event and notice that many of your dates fall into one of three personality types.

The Desperate Chameleon: “Tell me all about you! What do you enjoy? I’m super flexible, so I’ll do whatever. I always try the hottest new thing because I don’t want to miss out—I like to feel part of “what’s happening.”  I don’t really know what I’m looking for in a partner, but I like being liked.”

The Arrogant Persuader:  “It’s harder than ever to find marriage material, but luckily you met me because I’m extremely intelligent, very attractive, and earn a ton of money. I only participate in the most exhilarating, memorable hobbies which is why I love skydiving. If you haven’t tried it yet, I promise you, your life will change forever! You’ll finally feel alive and fulfilled, and you’ll realize how boring your current hobbies are.”

The Confident Learner: “I am an introvert, but I’m looking for an outgoing partner who can carry a conversation. Painting brings me joy because of the creativity and the precision required. What do you think of painting? I love my work and put in tons of hours, but I’m open to working less as long as it’s fulfilling. Is work-life balance important to you? What are you looking for in a partner?”

So what does this have to do with marketing? All marketing is matchmaking. When dating, no one is looking for just any partner, they are looking for the right partner. Everyone knows that investing time, money, and emotional bandwidth in someone who’s not a good fit comes with a huge cost. In marketing, both parties – businesses and customers – have needs and interests (just like people do). Customers have desires, along with problems, pains, and challenges they want solved. Businesses have products and services that create value, improve outcomes, increase satisfaction, and save time.

The Desperate Chameleon and Arrogant Persuader both try to sell something to everyone, either by constantly transforming themselves to be relevant to the majority or by insisting their audience has a need and that they are the only one who can meet it. Approaching marketing—and dating—as a Confident Learner is key to a successful partnership.  

Let’s look at the brand behaviors of each of these profiles:

Desperate Chameleons

Brands that are Desperate Chameleons don’t stand for anything. They cater endlessly to what their customers want. Without a solid identity of who they are and what they stand for, they constantly seek to mold their image, services, and marketing channels to the masses.  

Practically this looks like:

• Product innovation that expands too broadly because customers always want “more”

•  Marketing to everyone vs. a niche segment that most values the products or services

•  Trying every new trending channel

•  Mimicking successful competition

While some of these behaviors are warranted with a thoughtful, strategic approach, in many cases, they are entirely reactive to external circumstances.

I recently heard a story of an executive coach for Burger King’s C-Suite. The team was debating its strategy for a chicken sandwich, and the coach invited the entire team on a walk outside. He led them to the front of the building and pointed at a sign. “What does that say?” he asked. “Burger King,” they replied in unison. “Exactly,” he said. “Why are you all arguing about a chicken sandwich? Focus on the burger.”

In the early stages of business, brands fear being too narrow and not having a broad enough customer base, so they try to appeal to everyone. As brands mature and growth pressures compound, they risk becoming chameleons as they expand into more categories, attempting to generate mass reach and appeal. Stay narrow and focused. Be consistent in what you stand for. If you are everything to everyone, you are nothing to anybody.

Arrogant Persuaders

Brands that are Arrogant Persuaders have a me-first mentality. They prioritize their own agenda and business objectives over customer interests, adopting a “must-sell” mindset. Fundamentally, Arrogant Persuaders try to fit the market to their solution rather than their solution to the market. This approach requires brands to convince their audience that it has a specific need and that their solution is the only superior option, which typically require “pushy” tactics.

Practically this looks like:

•    Inflated claims

•    Creating an artificial sense of scarcity or exclusivity

•    Exaggerating the problem or creating a sense of fear

•    Bad customer service due to an inability to stand by what was promised

Much of the parenting literature I’ve read falls in this category. The books begin with the same formula: “If you don’t fix your kid now, they’re going to make you even more miserable, and he or she might become a failure in life. All those other parenting tactics don’t work. Here’s why my approach is best. Plus, you’ll see changes immediately!”

Some wellness brands overpromise results in ways that are not backed up by science. Diet brand Sensa settled false advertising charges by the FTC for $26.5 million for promising weight loss without dieting or exercise, while POM owner Wonderful Company was sued by the FTC and required to stop all ads that weren’t supported by a randomized, well-controlled human clinical trial. Luxury fashion brands create artificial scarcity to drive demand through a sense of exclusivity. Insurance companies often guarantee dire circumstances without their product. In all these examples, brands that are Arrogant Persuaders aren’t focused on finding the “right” match; rather, they try to force a match by creating demand through pressure and fear.

To avoid being an Arrogant Persuader, you must shift to a customer-first lens. Inform, but don’t exaggerate. Provoke curiosity, but don’t mislead. Ensure that you deliver on whatever value you promise. Create interest by reminding people of their pain points without introducing new fears or insecurities that didn’t previously exist.

Confident Learners

Brands that are Confident Learners know what they stand for. They know who they are – and are not. They’re not trying to be all things to all people. Instead, they know the value they create for a specific audience. They stay in their lane. They are humble, yet self-assured. And yet they are also always curious, continually seeking to understand their audience, evaluating whether and how to adapt and modify while staying true to their core.

Practically this looks like:

•    Staying focused on a specific audience target

•   Innovation that builds on expertise and competencies  

•   Using channels and capitalizing on trends relevant to an audience vs. generic popularity

•    Taking risks to be original and creative vs. following the pack

HubSpot embodies the Confident Learner. Founded in 2006, this Customer Relationship Management (CRM) SaaS business is widely regarded as one of the pioneers of inbound marketing, which focuses on creating content and experiences to attract or “pull” in potential customers vs. “pushing” promotional messages. Driven by an intimate understanding of its audience’s needs and a self-declared principle of “create 10X the value vs. competition,” HubSpot frequently launches products and services that deliver meaningful value to customers. To stay ahead of competitors, HubSpot aggressively experiments with AI and continually innovates content strategies, such as the HubSpot Podcast Network.

Confident Learners need to strike a balance between being who they are and simultaneously adapting to customer desires in an evolving external market. There is a constant push/pull between the brand and the customer. Your core must be unshakable, and yet you must also have the humility to learn, try new things, and improve.  

Don’t Sell. Date.

Ultimately, the job of marketers (and sales) isn’t to push or sell. It’s to find the right match.  Some people or companies have needs, whether they are conscious or unconscious. Our job is to identify the audience that possesses the specific needs or desires we address and inform or educate how we can help.

We sometimes forget that what we do is in service of the customer rather than the company. We act as though when we promote the company’s interests, the customer will benefit. In reality, if we match well, the company will benefit.

When I first started my business, I was terrified of sales. As marketers, we often aren’t privy to our customers’ immediate reactions to our messages. Seeing potential clients face-to-face forced me to observe their immediate reactions to my pitch. During initial meetings, I felt like I was either asking for a favor, “Will you go out of your way to help me by giving me business?” or trying to convince people why they needed what I offered. But through that process, I realized I was not asking for help, nor was I convincing anyone. Some individuals had marketing and branding needs; others did not. When I could help a company solve its communication and growth challenges, they were grateful, and both parties benefited ­–they received a solution to grow their business, while I earned revenue and used my expertise to help others. In other words, we matched. Business development became a process of uncovering needs rather than selling a service.

How to Date Your Customer

1)   Know your type. Avoid being the brand that is continually seeking out the wrong person. Sales has a process of “disqualifying” leads. So too should marketing. Ask yourself who is not a fit, and stop pursuing them.

2)  Listen more than you talk. As marketers, this may sound counterintuitive, but listening and seeking feedback must be ingrained Talk to customers regularly, respond to complaints, read comments, and build in feedback mechanisms to ensure “selling more” doesn’t get prioritized over “meeting needs.”

3)  Be yourself. Don’t manufacture an inauthentic image or tone, or overpromise something you don’t have experience delivering. Stay true to what your brand stands for and what makes you different.

4)  Build a relationship. View your customers as actua people you can help versus transactions that can better your bottom line. Not every interaction has to be profitable, but in the long run, sacrifice builds trust and loyalty.

By thinking of marketing as finding the right match vs. selling, you are reminded of what you and your customers want. You ditch the “sell at all costs” mentality and stop “doing whatever the customer wants.” Dating your customers forces focus, intentionality, and matching with ideal customers who appreciate you, speak positively about you, and support you.

As anyone in a long-term relationship knows, the dating process never really stops. Even after finding a great match, there’s always more to learn as each person changes and grows. To preserve a fulfilling relationship, just as with humans, brands can never afford to stop dating their customers.